Andee M'lee Stevens

Andee M'lee Stevens was born on November 7th, 2012 weighing 6 lbs 6 oz., and was 20 inches long. She was born 4 weeks early and was stillborn. She was honestly the most beautiful baby with precious features. She looked a lot like my baby pictures except she had more hair- beautiful brown curly hair.

The birth was the most spiritual experience and it continues to leave the biggest impression on so many lives. One week prior to her birth I had gone in for kick counts- she felt like she was slowing down compared to her normal ways. Everything was fine- it was like murphy's law. The Sunday before she passed away our sweet Dawson and I were waiting in the car and 

Dawson said, "Mom- Andee needs to go back to Heavenly Father and Jesus."

I replied, "Why would you say that? That makes mommy really sad."

Dawson, "It's okay mom. Don't be sad. She's happy. She's with family. . . . She'll come back to us though."

I had a great concern fill my heart because since I'd gone in for kick counts, I had been telling J.D. all week that she just wasn't as active as she'd been. I told J.D. what Dawson said and we both didn't quite understand if 'coming back to us' meant the second coming or if she was just going to leave for a bit and come back to earth to be with us here. The next evening I stopped feeling her move. I wanted to go in for kick counts again, but last time they had made us feel really dumb for coming in because she was doing just fine. So we didn't go in- however I'm pretty sure that's the day her spirit left.

The next morning we went in for kick counts, and we couldn't find a heartbeat. The doctor informed us our baby had died. It was words that will never be forgotten and I still hear them. We scheduled to be induced the next morning. During the rest of that day was the longest day and night of our lives. My mom came to be with us as soon as she found out. 

The delivery was truly amazing. J.D.'s brother Lucas and his wife Molly, and Loni came at 7 am to be with us the entire day. I can't describe how much comfort that was for us to have them be there the entire time helping us through that hard day. I was already dialated to a 3.5. I was checked at 9:00 and had made it to a 5. Then at 10:30 exactly the nurse came in and we decided she'd check me again at 11. She walked out and I turned right to J.D. and said, "Go get her, I think it's time and she needs to check me now." She checked me and sure enough, it was time. She hurried and set up, the doctor rushed down and within 2 pushes, less than 30 seconds, Andee M'lee was born. No stitiches, no tearing, and she beat Dawson's delivery by 1 push (I only pushed 3 times with him). Everyone kept commenting on how beautiful she was! It was true! She had color and features that were so stunning. Dawson was SO PROUD! He wasn't scared at all and understood that she wasn't coming home with us, however, he understood her spirit was right there with us as well.

J.D.'s brother Lucas and his wife took care of everything with the funeral. J.D. and I were able to just hold Andee at the mortuary all day Thursday and Friday and Saturday morning. The funeral was so perfect. So many answered prayers and support. My brother drove his whole family from Missouri, my dad drove from Colorado, J.D's aunt and uncle came from Idaho, tons of family from everywhere came to be there. J.D.'s parents and Chet and Bobi Sue were coming home from a cruise- and because of the storm, a lot of flights right after theirs were cancelled to fly into SLC. It was a huge blessing they were able to make it. The snow was prayed for by J.D. He asked that if we were to have any precipitation let it be snow. We were driving home the night it started to snow and just felt like it represented Andee's pure spirit and also that it covered up all the bad in the world to make her funeral more pure and clean of any bad in this world. 

Dawson and I made a bracelet for Andee and Dawson was so excited to put it on her. He is so proud of her and I know he has a special bond with her even though she isn't physically here. He continues to love her everyday and reminds us of it- it's the sweetest thing.

 Saturday morning we got her smelling like a little baby and made her look beautiful for the day. We'd asked my mom and J.D.'s mom to be there to help us. It was one of my favorite memories because it was the first time and last time here on earth that I would be able to doll up my baby girl. The dark spot on her cheek as discoloration happened that morning- before that she stayed pink. The dark spot was a blister that had dried up which was invisible to everyone that day. Only the pictures show it was there.

 J.D.'s parents gave us some golden baby shoes with diamonds in them to hang in our window. It's so when the sun shines through, rainbows are reflected everywhere which is to remind us of Andee. Dawson shook them and just kept trying to keep her happy he said. It was really  like her spirit was there and he was interacting with her.

 We got lots of pictures and family photos because this is all we will have of Andee here on earth. Dawson was loving showing off his sister and kept introducing her to everyone. He is so amazing and we couldn't be more grateful for him being here with us.

Everyday and every moment is a struggle, but we know her spirit is here. Dawson tells us so many things about Andee- it's so neat. We don't know what we'd do without him. He keeps reminding us of how happy Andee is and how she is with Heavenly Father. He's our little spiritual giant and gets us through most days. I can't describe all the spiritual experiences we continue to have, and how Andee's passing has truly opened our eyes. We know she must have been pretty special to only need 36 weeks here on earth to accomplish he mission and then be granted celestial glory immediately. We definitely miss her and can hardly wait until we get to raise her. Thank goodness we have the knowledge of the gospel to help get us through- I can't imagine going through this without the gospel knowledge. 

As we left the graveside to go to the church for a luncheon that the Holden ward had prepared for us (THANK U) we looked into the sky and this is what we saw. The heavens opened and I could only imagine Andee holding hands with Aunt JoAnn and walking away to the spirit world. 

Thank you to everyone who has been praying for us and supporting us. :-)

Family Pictures 2012

 We went up the mountain to find some fall leaves to take some family pictures....we haven't done this for 2 years sadly. We found one spot, but the lighting just wasn't right, so we continued to drive over the mountain until we found it- the perfect spot. The sun didn't glare us out or make us squint, and the leaves were perfect. We had to chase 2 deer off because they were right in the spot when we saw it. We had so much fun doing this together. It was more than just pictures, we let Dawson play and we shook leaves all over him. Those are the pictures that always turn out- the ones where you are truly enjoying yourself and acting natural. 

 Dawson and his daddy! He truly loves his dad and wants to be just like him. We took several shots of Dawson rubbing his dad's beard, telling him secrets "you're fired" and laugh, and listening to his heart.

I have wanted pictures of Dawson and Andee in my tummy for awhile now, but everytime I had a chance for someone to do them I just wasn't feeling very pretty or picture worthy. We finally got some and I couldn't be more excited. Dawson found a TINY acorn and wanted to show Andee. He found leaves and showed her. He would talk to her and then in a tiny voice pretending to be Andee, "oh cool." Then he look at me and say, "Mom, she likes them!" It was so cute to watch and listen.

 This turned out so cute and yet I was just taking a break letting Dawson give leaves to Andee. He would set them on my tummy until he found the perfect one for her to keep.

 J.D. was shaking leaves on us and we were just laughing so hard at him trying to take a picture, hold his balance, and throw leaves at us. He's a pro photographer because he managed to snap this one!

 Dawson trying to catch the leaves falling from above. He was loving life!

 Now that we'd let Dawson play, he started to be a turkey about taking family pictures. We'd set the tripod up, and the timer. I would click the button and have to run clear down to get in position. Needless to say, it took about 15 tries to get Dawson to do what we wanted. He would be perfect, and then once I sat down he'd put a leaf on my head, or poke me with a stick, or put his chin down on the log. It was actually pretty funny. We finally got a couple that worked, but I'm suprised it didn't put me into labor all that running and getting up and down. Of course, Dawson thought it was hilarious!

 So.... after all that running we decided to let Dawson play photographer cuz he really is good at it. We set the camera so he could just keep clicking over and over...and that's exactly what he did. J.D. and I just stood down there talking, smiling, and doing our own thing while Dawson just kept pushing the button.

 Dawson has his father's photography skills- we couldn't believe all the amazing shots he got. These are just some of our favorites. When we looked through the pics later, Dawson took over 40 pictures of J.D. and I in just 3 minutes or so!

Afterwards we went to Todd's and ate dirt burgers and relaxed for a bit. We then drove around and looked for spike elk to fill J.D.'s tag. We saw plenty of deer, but no elk. Dawson even saw a couple bucks that J.D. and I had completely missed. 

We had an awesome day and it was so nice to spend together as a family. We are really excited to have Andee come and be able to have more days like this with her. Dawson really can't wait- every day he comes up to me or J.D. telling us how excited he is for her to come. It's so special and brings tears to my eyes because I can already see how amazing of a big brother he is going to be to Andee and how he will continue to make our life special with her here.

Pregnancy Things

I wanted to write about a few things that we've been experiencing so we can look back and remember what it was like being pregnant with Andee. As of today, we have 45 days left and I am 33.4 weeks along! WHOOHOO! She is EXTREMELY ACTIVE! J.D. and I can't believe how much she twists and turns and flips. We both are in shock watching my stomach move. How can she move that much in such a small space? We've compared her movement to the Twilight movie where Bella is pregnant and how strong the baby is because it's half vampire half human....... sooooo we either have a boxer or a half vampire half human baby.

Today at the check-up the doctor couldn't get a good listen to the heartbeat for a bit because she kept moving. He'd put the monitor on one side and she roll to the other side. He kept trying to follow her and was laughing because you could see her move. You could also see where she was at.... she didn't have much option for hiding spots in the hide and seek game, but she sure was fast at moving.

Dawson is still really in-tune with her. He will randomly come  up to J.D. or I and say, "I'm so excited for Andee to come." It's the sweetest thing. He also will feel her move and tell me, "That's her feet mom! She kicked me!" It's crazy that he knows how she's turned and what part is her feet- he's always right too.

I'm definitely experiencing a lot more pain that I ever did with Dawson. If I'm not dialated, I think I might cry because things have been so painful. I've had the braxton hicks contractions going on since about 24 weeks. The past 2 months they have gotten SO strong I literally can't walk, talk or breathe. Anywhere I am at, those contractions stop me in my tracks for a good 2 minutes. When telling the doctor he just said drink more water, empty my bladder more, and it could be the result of chasing Dawson around. Last time I didn't have anyone to chase around, so it makes a difference.  There is a lot of pressure... A LOT! I also have pelvic bone pain randomly strike.... I can honestly say that if women could have an epidural at 32 weeks I think more women would get pregnant more often. I want to have this little girl because I don't want to be in pain anymore, but I really want her to be fully developed and healthy so ..... 6 1/2 more weeks here we go.

The other day I was lifting something I thought I could handle and turned while bending back up and TEAR all across my abdomen. That with pinching my sciatic nerve all the time just about makes me want to put myself on bed rest. It is killer! lol! I laugh because I still have to learn the hard way for things.... they tell you to take it easy and be careful. However, I guess i haven't grasped the concept of listening to others rather than trying to be so independent.

As far as getting ready for this little one.... its definitely different than with Dawson. With Dawson I truly went through a nesting phase, and had EVERYTHING ready to go before he got here. With Andee.... we've been slowing getting ready, and focusing on the necessities of what we actually need. We don't have a lot of room and we don't have a ton of money, so it's changed our mindset of getting ready. J.D. and I joke that when it is actually time to go to the hospital it's going to completely catch us off guard and we will regret not getting serious about getting more things ready for her arrival and waiting until the last minute. It makes me wonder if that's going to be more her personality though. I wonder if that's why i haven't been able to know of her arrival date like I did Dawson. She probably doesn't know either and will just decide on a random day that she's coming. .... after she's born I will tell the story of when I think and have felt she will be arriving. After having one baby, we've realized what we actually need and what we can go without.

Since the beginning of the pregnancy I have told J.d. that I just don't think she will be very big. With that, I haven't even gained half as much as I did with Dawson- thank heavens! I am measuring good as far as being on my own track, but I'm not huge by any means. J.D. will say I definitely look pregnant, but not ready to pop in any way.

All in all- it just feels surreal that Andee will be arriving shortly. I just haven't totally grasped that fact that we will have 2 children. I think it's because it will feel so normal for her to be here. Since we've found out it was a girl J.D. and I have had such a complete and whole feeling. It wasn't a suprise and it's the right time for her to be here. I'm not sure how to explain it, but we are excited and can't wait to meet her.

Dawson turns 4!!

I can't believe our little man is 4 years old! We were so blessed to have so many people come celebrate his birthday with us. We feel extremely grateful for all of our family who drove so far to come and all of our friends who were able to make it. 

We asked Dawson what he wanted for his birthday and he said, "I want my family to come play." For a 4 year old, we were completely amazed by his answer. That's all he wanted even when we asked him if he wanted toys or what kind of cake, Dawson just wanted to play with his cousins. He has the sweetest and biggest heart ever and once again, we couldn't be more blessed that God chose J.D. and I to be his parents. 

We had a small party later that day, but then had the real party Saturday. It was absolutely amazing! We went to the Canyon Park to have cake, ice cream, and a pinyata. It couldn't have worked out to be more perfect- we went to pick out a pinyata and they had a PIRATE PINYATA!!! What are the chances?! 

Story: I was looking up at all the pinyata's haning in walmart and suddenly I hear Dawson gasp and say, "Oh MY GOSH! It's a pirate!" I looked down and it completely blew my mind to see a pirate on the shelf. Dawson's next response, "Holy freak mom- I'm freaking out." HAHA! Of course, I busted up laughing and we threw the pinyata in the basket. :-)

I also attempted to make a pirate ship out of rice krispies for his cake..... I froze the rice krispies into a block and my amazing husband with his amazine perceptual abilities and manual dexterity skills carved out a pirate ship. We kept the ship frozen until it was time to put it on the cake..... well, a good note for next time is that rice krispies don't hold very good once they start to warm up again. Needless to say, it kind of fell apart. BUT it still looked pretty cool.

Dawson and Kage (and Carson in the background)

 Make a wish Dawson!

Dawson received so many amazing gifts! He got LOADS of pirate stuff- treasure chest, gold, telescopes, beads, patches, hats, scarves, swords, hooks, and a compass. He also got a microphone with an amp, race tracks, books, pirate stickers, a 'Dawson size' football, a mini hymbook (he has wanted one forever), book of mormon action figurines, guns, yummy treats and drinks, and a huge castle. He has not stopped playing with everything since then! THANK YOU to everyone who was able to make it and for all the gifts.

AAARRRRGGG!!

 Here's Carson and Dawson with Dawson's new pirate stuff!

At the party when we finished, Dawson ran to every single person there and gave them a hug and told them 'Thank you.' He really has the biggest heart and really loves everyone.

Visitor from California

My best friend since I was 3 years old came to visit from California! She has a daughter that is 10 months younger than Dawson, and is the CUTEST thing ever! We had so much fun just catching up and they came on Dawson's real birthday, so they got to celebrate with us.

Dawson was more than willing to give her loves and take pictures with her... I'm not sure what she thought, but you can decide from the picture. lol!

 One of the best parts about our kids is that they both LOVE pirates! So, since Dawson is pirate every day, he was able to share his pirate stuff with Addison and his cousin Carson. We had an extra pirate costume thanks to Aunt Jamie who's let Dawson borrow one (THANK YOU JAMIE). We decided to get Dawson his own since he has a pirate addiction.

 Dawson was pretty sad that his friend had to go. Afterwards he kept telling me how  cute she was. Now he asks for his cute girl friend to come play.

It was such a great day to see my bestie and let our kids play. My sister Jori drove up as well and let Carson play with Dawson for his birthday as well. It was so much fun! Dawson just wanted his birthday to last forever.

Primary Program Practice

Dawson has his first primary program coming up, so we have been practicing his line. To make it official, Dawson wanted a microphone like at church to practice with.... so we got a microphone and improvised since we don't have a podium. 

 We even turned on the primary children's songs CD and Dawson practiced singing songs as well as saying his part. It was the coolest thing and he's a pretty good singer!

 His part is, "Noah, his family, and the animals were safe because Noah made a choice to follow God."

Dawson has the 'Noah made a choice' down which is pretty awesome I think. I got to listen to him practice in church that day too, and he did so good! He sang so proudly and kept waving to me- it was the cutest thing ever! I'm so lucky to be his mom. :-)

Seeing Miss McKynlee

It took us a couple weeks to be able to go see McKynlee because we had all been sick with a cold. Mckynlee was put in the NICU because they couldn't get her jaundice count to go down- it was pretty scary. She was in there for about 3 1/2 weeks under intensive light therapy, and special formula (which was super nasty). Together they finally were able to get her count down and to stay down so she could go home. 

Here is the little one under the lights in the NICU. Dawson didn't get to go in and look at her inside the NICU, so we had to come back a week later when she was able to do the light therapy in Jori's hospital room.

 Here is Dawson's first visit with Mckynlee! He was so intrigued by her. He kept touching her hands and fingers saying, "Mom, they are so cute and tiny." It was so sweet. He just kept watching her and would get so excited anytime she would move. He absolutely loved feeling her hair- it was so soft! It made me more excited to have our own little Andee arrive. Dawson is going to be such a sweet brother.

 J.D.'s first time holding her. It was unreal to see how small she was up against his biceps and hands. His arms were huge next to her small body. She was so calm while he held her.

 Dawson giving her lots of kisses- it was soooo sweet!

 And.... I FINALLY got to hold her after a much anticipated wait!

Mckynlee is home now and doing so much better. In fact, while in the hospital Jori really tried to push for her to be in Jori's room and sleep there instead of the NICU. When they finally allowed it, McKynlee's jaundice count automatically started dropping. It's amazing how a mother's instinct and presence can change the life of a child. It really makes me feel more confident in my decisions for my children as well. I can't wait for Andee to get here- only 10 more weeks! Holding McKynlee just keeps making me more excited for Andee.